It seems certain situations have a way of sending your thoughts out of control. It's almost as though one minute you have full control over your thoughts, the pattern they are going, whether they are negative or positive, etc. BUT THEN ... something happens, and it's like BOOM! your control explodes and everything seems to be hectic. It's times like this when the Al-Anon program really helps me, it helps bring me back to myself, it helps me stop having these uncontrollable thoughts that make me feel like my life is a complete disaster again. It is unfair of me to allow myself to let others have that kind of control over me. I am stronger than that. I often recite the serenity prayer, sometimes in my head, sometimes out loud and sometimes, I feel like maybe I just need to scream it at the top of my lungs from the tallest building with the best reverb.
Last night I had a dream in which I was standing on some kind of scaffolding in the middle of a factory with a huge water mill and a little child was in a boat on the grates of the mill, a pool of red was below on the deck, although I don't feel as though it were blood, and my boyfriend was standing next to me and inadvertently was blocking my ability to move to the safety of solid ground and I began having a panic attack, which, coincidentally, transpired into real life, only I couldn't wake up, I couldn't get out of that dream. I knew I wanted to, that I needed to, but couldn't until I was on the solid ground. In my dream, Al was intently fixed on the situation of the child in the boat that he couldn't hear me talking to him, asking, practically begging him to help me and just before I was about to lose my grip he finally was able to hear me and pulled me to solid ground.
So here's the irony of this dream.... I, personally, would NEVER be out on scaffolding. I am terrified of heights and of falling and Al would NEVER let me put myself in an unsafe situation nor would he not hear me asking him for help with desperation and fear in my voice. I suppose that's why these things transpire in our dreams, each occurrence in a dream has a meaning, so of course, I turn to my dream dictionary to see what having a panic attack in a dream means and, surprise, surprise it indicates a lack of control and power in your life. And, yes these situations in which I am writing about made me feel as though I needed to scream the serenity prayer at the top of my lungs from the tallest building with the best reverb, giving me good cause to be having this type of dream.
So, I have been reciting the serenity prayer over and over this morning reminding myself that there is only one person I have control over .... ME. I just have to deal with the rest one day at a time as it comes.
God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.