Monday, September 16, 2013

When your thoughts seem to be out of control...

It seems certain situations have a way of sending your thoughts out of control.  It's almost as though one minute you have full control over your thoughts, the pattern they are going, whether they are negative or positive, etc. BUT THEN ... something happens, and it's like BOOM! your control explodes and everything seems to be hectic.  It's times like this when the Al-Anon program really helps me, it helps bring me back to myself, it helps me stop having these uncontrollable thoughts that make me feel like my life is a complete disaster again.  It is unfair of me to allow myself to let others have that kind of control over me.  I am stronger than that.  I often recite the serenity prayer, sometimes in my head, sometimes out loud and sometimes, I feel like maybe I just need to scream it at the top of my lungs from the tallest building with the best reverb.

Last night I had a dream in which I was standing on some kind of scaffolding in the middle of a factory with a huge water mill and a little child was in a boat on the grates of the mill, a pool of red was below on the deck, although I don't feel as though it were blood, and my boyfriend was standing next to me and inadvertently was blocking my ability to move to the safety of solid ground and I began having a panic attack, which, coincidentally, transpired into real life, only I couldn't wake up, I couldn't get out of that dream.  I knew I wanted to, that I needed to, but couldn't until I was on the solid ground.  In my dream, Al was intently fixed on the situation of the child in the boat that he couldn't hear me talking to him, asking, practically begging him to help me and just before I was about to lose my grip he finally was able to hear me and pulled me to solid ground.

So here's the irony of this dream.... I, personally, would NEVER be out on scaffolding.  I am terrified of heights and of falling and Al would NEVER let me put myself in an unsafe situation nor would he not hear me asking him for help with desperation and fear in my voice.  I suppose that's why these things transpire in our dreams, each occurrence in a dream has a meaning, so of course, I turn to my dream dictionary to see what having a panic attack in a dream means and, surprise, surprise it indicates a lack of control and power in your life.  And, yes these situations in which I am writing about made me feel as though I needed to scream the serenity prayer at the top of my lungs from the tallest building with the best reverb, giving me good cause to be having this type of dream.

So, I have been reciting the serenity prayer over and over this morning reminding myself that there is only one person I have control over .... ME.  I just have to deal with the rest one day at a time as it comes.

God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

A Cardinal Awaits...

This morning I watched two cardinals out my window, one so bright to show it's might, one a little browner, I'm sure not to be a downer.  Each chose his branch with grace, the bright one won the race, to be up higher.  He fluttered and muttered about. The brown one, still and inactive.  Once the other finally settled, a conversation, I'm sure they had, their narration not long, as the bright one quickly moved on.

Copyright 2013 Christine M. Wallace

Monday, March 18, 2013

When life knocks you down...

When life knocks you down you have two choices.  To fight back or stay there.  It is up to you.  No one can help you back up and no one can force you to change.  These are things you have to do on your own.  You either want to make changes or you don't.  It's that simple.  If you choose to want to make changes, then you must take it one step further and take action on your plan of change.  Because without a plan and without action, there can be no change.

There is not an ounce of my being that does not want to continue growing to become a better person then I am today.  Every step I take will never be two steps behind, because, to me, every step is a lesson on my journey.  I cannot stop moving forward, it just isn't an option.  To give up on my hopes and dreams, on my life, would be the ultimate let down.

I am a healer.  I try to see the potential that every person has to offer and I try to help them see it within themselves.  I don't always succeed. And that's ok.  I do, however, in the process along the way, learn little things about myself.  They are usually the ugly things that require my immediate attention to change.  The point is, I recognize, I admit, I plan change and I take action.  I try to practice what I preach, mainly because I do not want to let myself down.

I am a nurturer.  I take that which is broken and mend it back to health.  This is a fault.  A BIG fault.  Why? Because I usually end up getting hurt in the process.  I open my life to people who need a temporary place to lay their baggage until they overstep their boundaries.  Then, I must evict them.  This makes my heart ache because for the most part these are the people who are, for lack of a better word, fake.  And it's not me they are lying to, it's themselves.  Be true to thine own self and your path will be paved for you and planted along the way will be like-minded people to keep you moving steady ... good OR bad.   So meanwhile, while I am being a healer and seeing the best in someone, they are lying to themselves and just feeding off of my nurturing until the brick wall goes up, fooling no one but themselves, and turning out to be the exact opposite of what they say they are.  It is a bitter truth.  However, a truth, it is.

I am never going to stop being me, I will always be a  healer and a nurturer.  I do suppose one day that I will stop allowing fake people to enter into my life, however, until I learn the lessons that I need from me allowing this to happen, carry on, I will.  Learn from it, I must. Continuing to grow, there is no other option.  Another thing that I will never change, is the lack of understanding and respect that I have for people who do not find joy in life, who just give up and run from everything when it gets a little tough.

Friday, March 8, 2013

a journey into a new me...

Jan 2012, I realized I became the sum of a very tough game, codependency.  Little did I know this until one fateful day when I was asked a series of 10 questions and I answered yes to NINE of them!!!!  It was at this exact point in time when I KNEW I had to change.  Codependency, for those who are unaware of this term,  is an excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, and I had become that, or maybe I was that all along, it was just at that point in time, it was taking a negative toll on my life.  So, I began making the necessary changes I felt I needed to make in order to release myself from this way of living.

In 2006, I met a person who I would allow to pull me into a life of insanity.  I believed I loved this person with my whole being.  I felt that I had finally "gotten it right."  On the exterior, and to most everyone else, things seems great.  It wasn't until 3 years later that I realized what was happening to me on the inside.  I wanted to make this work, I didn't want to be the person, who, yet again, walked away from another relationship because things had gotten difficult.   Life had become a whirlwind of emotions, lies and pain so great I didn't even know it was pain.

For years I had been involved in relationship after relationship where I had become the victim of abuse, sexual, emotional, mental and physical.  Of all the abuse, emotional and mental abuse is the worst.  Once a manipulative person realizes that you are vulnerable or even naive to what is happening, they just sink their teeth right in and hold on tight.  There are days when you can see that things are what they seem but then you are so afraid of being strong, you forget how to be, until it becomes inevitably necessary.

I'm not too proud to say that I joined Al-Anon, an organization, based off the steps of AA, to help family and friends of alcoholics who have nowhere else to turn and are ready for change.  I had thought about going for many months prior to actually going, and it wasn't until a friend, who had been sober 17 years at the time, had suggested I go that I decided it was time.  So off I went.  I was running late for my first meeting, I was so nervous that I almost didn't go in.  But, I did.  I was greeted with smiles, but felt very much like an outsider.  I had no idea how this was going to help me help my loved one who had a problem with his drinking.  And there in lies the truth.  I THOUGHT I was there to help him, but when I walked out of my first meeting, I wasn't walking into a second one to help him, I was walking into my second meeting to help ME.  I would never had even returned for a second meeting if another girl, who would quickly become my sponsor, hadn't done one random act of kindness.  She gave me a book, THE book, One Day At a Time (ODAT).  This book has been like the bible for me.  Her kindness in giving me a book that she no longer used was the reason I returned.  She gave me her phone number along with the book and invited me back for another meeting.

The one thing that I honestly learned from Al-Anon meetings was how to live one day at a time and how to live by the serenity prayer.  Once you can truly understand and accept that there is only ONE person you can change, YOURSELF, you start to look at things differently.

The Serenity Prayer:
"God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change" -- oftentimes, this is as far as I can even get into it BUT, even if I am struggling with my anger, emotions or anxiety, as long as I can be reminded that I cannot change anything that is not controlled by me, it puts me back on the right path.  It is often difficult to even accept that you cannot change another individual, especially when you think you know what is best for them. The only person you have control over is YOU.  Learning that was my greatest accomplishment.  It also helped me learn to live one day at a time.  I cannot control what is going to happen tomorrow, until tomorrow gets here, so why cloud my mind with what if's?  I just live.  For today.  For this moment.

I live a life of no regrets.  I do not regret any decision I have made, I do not place blame on any other person for what has happened in my life.  What has happened on my journey called life, has happened for a reason. All of it.  I embrace the lessons that are put in front of me, and more importantly, I learn from them.

This past year has been my freedom.  Freedom from a life of insanity, negativity and allowing others to bring me down to a point where I don't even know who I am.  I do not take much personally anymore, especially when I do not know what has happened in another person's life to bring them to where they are.  Their burdens are their own, I cannot carry another person's worries and burdens for them.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

I learned...

How incredible it is to say that you've learned something, not just in knowledge, but more-so about yourself. Life is a journey, a journey through your own elements.  You see things differently through your own eyes, you hear things differently through your own ears.  You taste, feel and smell everything differently.

Sometimes I really do wonder if we are stuck in the matrix.  We are guided through every day, believing that what we are told, just is.  For example, the color red, to me is a deep but bright hue that is next to the color orange on the spectrum of colors, however, how does that explain what it looks like?  I could say, oh well, an apple is red, (but not all apples are, either) and I would just believe that we see red the same because we are taught to understand that an apple is red, an orange is orange, a banana is yellow, so on and so on.  Completely elementary, I know..... BUT there's the expression "Well, what do ya know, ya learn something new everyday", right?  Well, let's take that one step further and try to learn something new about ourselves everyday.

As an individual, you are growing each and every day, based on your experiences of yesterday.  It can something as little as noticing that you are reacting just a little differently to a situation that arises frequently, or something as big as you finally letting go of that one thing that is holding you from your true potential.

So what did I learn yesterday?  I learned that people appreciate.  It's as simple as that.  And you should appreciate.  Appreciate everything for what it's worth TO YOU!  NEVER undervalue your sense of appreciation, as it is unique to you and only you.  No one else can ever understand your true sense of the appreciation you have for people, places and things that surround you.

Sending love, light and happiness to all my readers!

I appreciate you all more then you could ever realize!!!

Sunday, February 3, 2013


The essence of a woman is a kind heart, a loving touch, a beautiful smile, a sparkle in her eye and a passion for life.  This is what drives me, what allows me to find beauty in all things.  My passion for life is what opens my heart to receive love.  My kind heart is what puts the love in my touch.  My loving touch is what puts the sparkle in my eye.  When you see the sparkle in my eye you know I am living with the passion that it all starts with.
Written in 2012

I am worth it.

My daily affirmation: certain things have come, certain people have gone. people have resurfaced and some have faded away. a few things have been lost, and a few found. and I am OK with it all. insecurities are finding their way to the door too. I am the earth, the water, the air and the fire. I just am. I am worth it.

Written 7/31/12


Breathe in the morning air and exhale all of your worries from yesterday! 'Tis a new day for you to make a difference in your own life!!

Written 8/1/12


What does your future look like? Do you see a happy, bright, shiny future? Do you see what you like? Whether or not you do, don't get too caught up in what you think you see that you forget to live for today! After all, today, it's all we really have, until it becomes a part of our past and it's up to YOU to decide how you are going live.

Written 8/3/12


Be grateful for today, it was given to you, as a gift, never take that gift for granted, you are expected to do great things with that gift, so get out there and go do them!!!!!

Written 8/4/12


It was right there in front of you this whole time, your happiness, maybe you just never seen it, or perhaps you did, it just always seemed a bit out of reach, take a moment to breathe in the joys of today and forget the sorrows of yesterday, and allow yourself to be filled with the happiness that you crave!

Written: 8/5/12

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Thoughts in writing:

Today I woke up thinking of a friend who's life was too short.  Not sure why she was on my mind, maybe it's the whipping wind reminding me of her chaotic life. I could say I wish we had more time together but her demons were put to rest and for that I am thankful that she no longer has a fight. A beautiful disaster, she was, a beautiful light, she now is.

Thoughts in writing dedicated to Lisa Anne, taken too soon 2/15/1977-8/31/2012

Tuesday, January 15, 2013


by: Christine M. Wallace

free your mind and you open your heart

open your heart and become full with love

become full with love and happiness will be found

Written on 5/9/12


by: Christine M. Wallace

your voice entrances me like i've never heard a spoken word

as if all is new and energy is flowing steadily thru my ears to my heart

and opening my eyes to a new set of rules, which need not be followed, and were meant to be broken

Written on  5/9/12


by: Christine M. Wallace

As sure as the flowers will bloom in spring, children will play in summer, leaves will fall in autumn and snow will come in winter, a mother's love for her child grows with each passing day. It's a magical experience not everyone will have but you have been blessed. You will come to realize how lucky you are when your little baby is placed in your arms.

Teach the little one to live each day as if tomorrow will never come and to be thankful when it does. Have no worries, it comes natural, motherhood, though you may not always know what to do or what to say, believe in yourself and when you feel like you have had enough, think back to how it felt the very first time you held your blessing and let that powerful feeling be your guide because although you may forget what time your blessing was born how much that little one weighed, you will never forget the way it felt to hold such a precious gift for the very first time.

Published on 4/6/2010